punch drunk

'i've got a new rating system for first dates. it's based on how many times you want to punch the guy in the head. a five is pretty bad. last night, three times i wanted to punch the guy in the head. i mean really, who says: "when you point the finger at someone, there are still three fingers pointing back at yourself"?'

a dandy morning

my beautiful laundrette

toxic

she's staring at her phone with a hand over her mouth. life feels messy while i wait for the photocopier.

'it was my birthday a fortnight a go. no, last week,' she says. she looks top right when remembering facts. 'i got a bunch of flowers but i was trashed and forgot them. another friend took them home, but the next day her cat ate them and got sick. we made jokes about it and everything. but she just posted on facebook that the cat's liver failed and they have to put her down.'

colour printing, A3. why would a cat eat flowers? what kind of flowers kill a cat?

'lilies, man. they're toxic. but can she stop posting on facebook? i feel bad enough already and i want to comment but i can't or anything because it's my fault i mean it's not my fault but it's my fault, you know?'

helmet

'the helmet law is dumb, they should get rid of it. every time i've fallen off my bike drunk, it's not a helmet i need. a face guard, maybe. cricket pads even.'

human resources

'we like the employees to consider ...'

how being human will affect their work outputs.